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Tuesday, 18 July 2017

Broken-hearted

More than a year without blogging - a year full of shock, tears and disbelieve. Since I wrote my last post one thing has happened that changed my life, my feelings towards life and left me utterly devastated. My beloved father died from a heart attack on Whitmonday last year while spending a short holiday together with my Mum in the Netherlands. He was just 64 years old, a tall, strong and good looking man with zillions of ideas what to do the next coming years. He had retired just a couple of months before he died and his joy and delight about this new period in his life was entirely infectious.

I remember that I talked to him on the phone just a few days before he died. About this and that, nothing special, we just exchanged snippets of our daily routine. I told him that I had just cleaned and oiled our old wooden garden table and that we probably needed a new table soon. He was so enthusiastic and full of energy that he suggested to build a new table for us. He told me about a construction manual for a table he had seen in a magazine. He had so many plans ...
 
The months following the funeral were very difficult for our family. We had always relied on the strength and the power of my father, he had been the one who organised everything, he was the back-up of my mother, my sibs and me. I was shocked and dumb for many months. I couldn't find the words expressing my feelings towards what had happened. The big problem for me was that the world didn't stop turning, not for one day. We took a few days off from work and the children out of school but then life went on as if nothing had happened. 
 
We were left to step back into the world, where everything looked the same but for us, every movement and every breath felt weighted down by this stifling cloud of sadness.  How were we supposed to function?

There is really nothing good that comes out of the death of someone you love, but the past months I have learned that the intensity and groundlessness of the pain you feel is a testament to the love you shared. And while I know that I will never arrive at a point in my life where I’m alright with the fact that my father has gone so early, I know that I am immensely lucky to have loved and been loved that much by anyone.  

More than a year has past now, we have managed all the difficult days, his birthday, Christmas, Whitmonday and the day of his death.And slowly, very slowly I feel that I want to step back into the world. I started again to sing in the choir and I decided to start blogging again.

I didn't stop crocheting during the past year, oh no, not at all. My crochet projects helped me a lot to stay afloat. I needed my yarn and my hook even more than before. Hooking time helped me to relieve my sorrows and pain, to calm down and find some peace of mind.

I had a basket full of yarn oddments that my grandmother had left me when she died more than 9 years ago.
At that time I didn't know what to do with the yarn, I didn't do any needlework but I couldn't throw it away because my grandmother had loved knitting so much. So I kept the yarn for no real purpose. Quite a couple of years ago I started to crochet some granny squares, having a blanket in mind, but my squares looked all wonky. I stopped again.

Last year, after my father's death, I felt an urge to do something with that neglected yarn of my grandmother. I wanted to crochet a blanket that would absorb all my sorrow, a blanket full of reminiscence that would keep us warm. As you can see in the pictures the colours are all different kinds of blues, greys, ecrus and some green. I unpicked all the squares I had already crocheted. I realised that I had made some mistakes right at the beginning and started anew. It was such a comforting project, every day I was looking forward to the evening when I could just sit on the sofa and delve into my yarny comfort.
 I was so happy that I unpicked all the old squares, the difference between the old squares and a new one is evident, isn't it?
 
It was such a wonderful project for me at that time, a very simple pattern, using yarn that was 'family' and made me feel connected to all the ones that I had lost. I made rapid progress, though it was a little tricky to use all the yarn because it was so different in thickness an quality. Sometimes I had to use two strands of yarn and sometimes I just changed a hook size.
To connect the squares I had to buy some balls of yarn and I chose a light grey for it. 
The blanket looks like an old school blanket from the seventies, doesn't it? I really love, love, love it. It is old-fashioned and oh, so cosy. The blankets I made before were all made from Stylecraft Special DK and this is the first blanket made from wool/acrylic mixes. The feel is so much nicer, much softer and warmer that I decided not to buy any new purely acrylic yarn anymore. 


This blanket is much used here in our house, especially the male part of my family prefers this blanket in more muted colours.

 Oh, I am so glad to have written a blog post again and I hope that you haven't forgotten me. I wanted to write much earlier but I just didn't know how. It was a very difficult post for me, the next one will be much easier I guess. I am happy to be back again, I will show you more things I have done during the past months soon.

All the best for you and the ones you love,
Viola 


10 comments:

  1. Dear Viola
    So very, very sorry to read this. My heart goes out to you and your family. When someone we love so very much dies out of the blue like that, it is unimaginably devastating. Almost incomprehensible somehow and the days, weeks, months and years afterwards are always shadowed by the shock and loss that arrived so suddenly and definitively. I send you a big hug and hope that your lovely blanket with love and memories in every stitch continues to remind you and your family of all that binds you together, past and present. Do you get your creative side from your father? I wonder whether you might from what you say so every time you do anything creative, I am sure his love and presence will be at your elbow, encouraging you and maybe even wanting you to carry on with some of the projects he had in mind himself! That can be a poignant thought but also a very comforting one, I think. I wish I could write all this in German but my language skills aren't up to expressing what I am trying to say. With my love anyway, Elizabeth xx

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    1. Dear Elizabeth, thanks so much for your kind words. It is indeed a wonderful thought that my father will always be with me in my creative makings and maybe, maybe I will build a garden table by myself just in memory of him. It is an intriguing idea. Thanks a lot for this impulse. Viola

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  2. A heart breaking post indeed. I am truly sorry for your shocking loss. I am glad to hear how hooking filled those long, quiet hours for you. It quite often does the same for me and I am forever grateful for all the lovely people that support me in my quest to never stop crocheting.

    It has saved me many times.

    I am new to your blog and I will be back to follow your progress through this.

    Love the blue blanket by the way. I always use Special DK by Stylecraft mostly because of the price. In Canada we can't get DK yarn so I order a boatlaod at a time... haha!

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  3. It is nice to have you back....I know first-hand the pain you experience when your father dies....I went through that many years ago...and I still miss him. One thing you said stuck out in my mind...and it was saying that it was a comfort for you to know that there was someone in your life who loved you so much and whom you also loved so dearly. That is a precious gift that, unfortunately, not all can say.
    Though "going on" is difficult, it is helpful to get back into a "normal" routine...and know that your Dad will be with you always. There are still times when I feel my Dad (and now my Mom, who has gone to be with him). Know that he is there watching over you...and you can sometimes "feel" his presence in your life.
    Welcome back...

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  4. Dearest Viola, I am sharing in your grief having lost my beloved mother just 5 short months ago. There is absolutely nothing that prepares you for the huge chasm left when your parents die. I am coping day to day, but wanted to reach out and let you know I'm with you, and thinking of you in your struggle. Life goes on yes, but we are fundamentally different because of the experience. So glad to see you back and enjoying your crochet still. Much love.....Sharron

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  5. I am so sorry for your loss and know what you are going through. I lost my Dad, Mother-in-Law and Husband in 2014. My husband going so young and unexpectedly at just 57 was heartbreaking for all of us, but having such good children and extended family close-by has been a Godsend. Take one day at a time and the good days will very gradually out-number the bad. Speak often of him and know that he is looking over you. God Bless

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  6. Dear Viola, this is the first time I have come across your blog. My heart goes out to you and your loved ones, what a terrible shock for you. Maryfairy is right, one day at a time. Your blue blanket is stunning and I really love the border. I'm really looking forward to seeing your other creations, I agree with you, a blanket with some wool in is so much nicer. Clicky Needles x

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  7. This is the first time I have seen your blog. (You were listed on the side of Sue's blog.) I am sorry for your loss, you have written of your grief in a most profound way.
    The blanket that you have shown us is just gorgeous, it truly is.
    I love your name, Viola. It reminds me of the flower, and remember it is beautiful but it is one tough little plant! x

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  8. So sorry for your loss, although words cannot make one feel better about that loss. I lost my mother at the age of 14. I can't describe to you how that felt, as a young adult but really a child. When I lost my father almost 7 years ago I was devastated of a different nature. A different kind of lost, wishing I had known what was to happen so I could talk to him one last time. It's so very hard losing those we love. I totally understand the feeling of your whole world turned upside down although the world around you goes on.

    Your blanket is very pretty. The colors all go so well together and being they were your gran's makes it all the more special.

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  9. Hello Viola, I am sorry for your losses, each loved one has a important piece of our heart and each takes some time to come to terms. Your cozy beautiful blanket will always be a reminder of your love and bring some good memories. I also always turn to my needles, and a project that will give me time to mull over my thoughts and creativity at the same time. I enjoyed your wonderful words about your Dad.

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